PLOT SPOILER: Harry Potter Actually The Anti-Christ All Along

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This is another Onion-style satire piece from my archives. I wrote this around the time the 7th HP book came out. It was another time then–a time of bubbled real estate and safe bets in hedge funds, a time of a successful surge in Iraq when no one had heard of a charismatic junior senator from Illinois. It was a time when fundamentalists had nothing better to do then target their righteous anger (for to be a soldier of God is to, of course, always be angry) at a pre-teen wizard from the suburbs of London. I hope you enjoy it.

AMERICA’S INNOCENCE, MINNEAPOLIS, MN – Confirming the worst fears of many Evangelical Christians across the nation, Harry Potter Book 7 The Deathly Hallows, uncovers the boy wizard’s true identity to be none other then the Morning Star, Satan himself, reincarnated on a broomstick. Apparently, J. K. Rowling’s multi-billion dollar book/movie/toy/candy/fake tattoo franchise was nothing other then an attempt to prepare impressionable childrens’ minds for the Apocalapse.

“If you look at the facts, this revelation was unavoidable,” said a professor of Eschatological Studies at North Central University in Minneapolis, MN. “Harry Potter has a lightning bolt scar on his forehead. There are 11 letters in his name. In 1997, [the year HP was first published] there was a .666% chance a child or someone in his immediate family would be struck by lightning before the age of 11. 666 is the number used by the Antichrist to mark his minions in the Bible. I believe this is a clear indication Harry Potter was meant to represent the Antichrist from the beginning.”

“We knew that boy was up to no good. What with all that magicing, wizarding, and confounded quiditching.”
– Focus On The Family

Despite this unsuspected conclusion, Deathly Hallows [which sold 8.3 million copies its first 24 hours in the US alone] shows no sign of slowing in world circulation, causing an outcry from Christian interests groups across the country.

“We knew that boy was up to no good. What with all that magicing, wizarding, and confounded quiditching,” said Roy Slabstone Focus On The Family representative yesterday morning. “Right from the beginning, that there witchcraft was a subtle attack on the moral fabric of our society.” When asked what his stance was on simply not reading the books if their content made him uncomfortable and leaving everyone else alone, Slabstone frowned quizzically and responded, “but then what would I do all day?”

Yesterday afternoon, Rowling delivered a press release via owl from her Edinburgh home in response to these allegations. “When Mephastophilis first appeared to me 10 years ago and offered to provide me with a bestselling storyline in exchange for my soul, I never thought it would end up like this.”

Hit hardest by the news is Harry Potter publisher Arthur A. Levine Books who were disappointed to discover that in this age of electronic media, nothing less then a black curse cast within the pages of a book will get kids to spend time reading.

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One Comment

  1. I always thought it was Bill Gates… I mean, that he was the antichrist and all.

    Maybe J.K. Rowling is the antichrist, though. I mean, would we be surprised if it were a woman? God is a man, after all. How much more opposite could you get?

    Reply

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