This is Church of England radio, we’re here with famed blogger of infinite wit, “The Pluralist” and we’re talking about his fantastic wit. Welcome.
Pluralist – Thank you for having me and for recognizing just how good of a blogger I am.
CoER – Now we here were wanting to talk today about the recent General Convention of The Episcopal Church.
Pluralist – Yes well, we all know that Tom Wright is a dunce.
CoER – Right… well, uh I was more wanting to ask what you feel the reprocussions might be of D025 and C056?
Pluralist – I’m so glad you asked. You see us liberals, we like compromise, and that’s just what I think happened there. They looked at what was going on they said: “Right. Well, this seems as good a time as any to compromise” And, as a liberal, I can’t imagine anything being more grand than rejecting all this centralization and power mongering that the Archbishop is all on about. We need to keep power to ourselves see. Power in the hands of people like me. The problem is that power is with all these people who believe things.
CoER – So you’re saying you don’t believe things?
Pluralist – Of course I don’t believe in things! I have a master’s degree in “Modern-things-I-don’t-believe-in” I write it at the bottom of all my writings. I feel that with a degree in MTIDBI I can more readily write uncannily sarcastic and degrading blog posts. Now I have no problem with people believing in things, provided they are things that I believe in. And if they don’t that’s fine. I feel that by compromising and blog posts and by being liberal then I can make people feel small for believing in things.
CoER – Uhm, wait…now why are you in the Church of England if you don’t believe in things?
Pluralist – Well of course I believe in things. I believe that people are numbers. And if I group similar numbers together, box ’em all up, and compare them, I find that all the boxes believe in something. I have another degree in “People-are-numbers” It’s the objective and liberal way to look at people. Well see, if all the boxes..
CoER – …you mean people?
Pluralist -…right, if all the numbers believe in Something, then that Something must be real right?
CoER – That doesn’t sound very analytical
Pluralist – The wonderful things about having a degree in “People-are-numbers” and in “Modern-things-I-don’t-believe-in” is that whereas the boxes believe in something, I get the real scoop. I know what the Something is, and it is nothing at all like they think. That’s why I’m in the Church of England.
CoER – Could you elaborate further?
Pluralist – Of course Graham King is a barmpot. I don’t see how I could be very much clearer. I believe in Something. And that something is Cultural see? And since Culture in England is in the Church of England, I figure this is as good a place as any to believe in nothing…
CoER – …you mean Something?
Pluralist – Well, the Church believes in something, and that’s alright for them, even though they don’t really know that they’re berks, in time, if I compromise enough they’ll come around; I figure I can piggy back on their belief, sully it with incredible wit, and really believe whatever I objectively choose to believe. Who doesn’t like dressing up in fancy clothes and talking from a podium? That’s why I joined. It’s cultural. If I dress up in the right clothes I get to be religious with them, even though what they believe is poxy. Virgin Births and bodily Resurrections…who ever heard of such silly things?
CoER – Well we in the Church of England tends to believe in those things.
Pluralist – And that’s fine. I want everybody to believe in what they want, until they believe in what I do. But it’s when people start going on about what’s on in Jimmy’s trousers that I get upset. I figure, if I want in Jimmy’s trousers what’s that to ya? That’s when I do get upset when people aren’t liberal enough.
CoER – Splendid. Do you mind if we take a call?
Pluralist – Not at all
CoER – Hello, Erika…you have a question?
Erika – Yes, I was wondering “Why do you avail yourself of the outer forms of worship if its core content is meaningless to you? What are you saying, when you guide us through the prayers of penitence, through the hymns, the readings…”
Pluralist – Erika, thank you for asking. I’ve always liked goodies. And if I connect the dots of all my favorite goodies, it points to something. You see, when you have a degree in “People-are-numbers” then it becomes plain that goodies point to something…
Erika – Like God?
Pluralist – God?! Are you barmy? No no no. It points to the possible uncertainty of buddhist, neo-platonic meness. On the field of transcendent goodies – to use my own theological language – there can be only dress up and games. And who dresses up like the Church of England? The way I see it, if I use someone else’s language to express my own transcendent meness, I feel like a better ape.
CoER – Thank you Erika, I think we have a better idea of the depth of the Pluralists ‘theology’ – One last question Adrian…Why do like writing about Anglicanism so much?
Pluralist – Really, I’m quite bored.
CoER – Thank you