It has come to my attention recently that several major events have occurred in the world. Some have received comments by my personal favorite public figures, and others have not. Some have not received comment that I wish had received comment and others have gotten comment where I feel there was really no need. Worse still is when my personal favorite public figures comment on events in ways that are dissatisfactory to my tastes. Clearly they’ve lost their touch, or more likely, I have surpassed them. The mentee has become the mentor.
All this confusion must cease. Therefore I have developed a meta-RSS feed where every bishop, every op-ed writer, every theologian, every clergyperson, every leader of a denomination, every blogger, every celebrity, and every political figure that I so desire will be required to respond to each and every world event I deem significant in up to but not exceeding 1,500 words per reply. This way, whenever a world event occurs, I can make sure that everything that is said, by every person, is up-to-code.
Whensoever a world event I deem significant occurs and a person in my feed does not comment, they shall receive their first strike and a twitter quip about how unfortunate this oversight was. Should they say something I do not agree with, or say something that is clearly not thought out well, or dodges the real issue due to a perceived lack of proper information to warrant and shape an appropriate response, they shall receive two strikes and a Facebook status update warning them that I am not happy, and also that my other friends too should be unhappy with this.
Three strikes and you’re out. Should three strikes take place, you will be unfriended and/or unliked on Facebook, I shall no longer follow you on twitter, I will blog about the event and make sure that everyone knows that you’ve clearly lost your touch. Any new books you release or articles you write shall be met with unsympathetic derision. No longer shall you receive the benefit of the doubt and it will be henceforth assumed you are trying to undermine the faith, and/or you have colluded with and can be compared to other figures who have also received their due punishment, such as John Milbank and any other such clearly reactionary and fascist figures.