First, a blessing from our dear reader Josh:
Bene dic, Domine, creaturam istam cerevisae, quam ex adipe frumenti producere dignatus es: ut sit remedium salutare humano generi: et praesta per invocationem nominis tui sancti, ut, quicumque ex ea biberint, sanitatem corporis, et animae tutelam percipiant. Per Christum Dominum nostrum. Amen
Bless, O Lord, this creature beer, that Thou hast been pleased to bring forth from the sweetness of the grain: that it might be a salutary remedy for the human race: and grant by the invocation of Thy holy name, that, whosoever drinks of it may obtain health of body and a sure safeguard for the soul. Through Christ our Lord. Amen.
Of all beeresies, Docetism is the single most pervasive. Because what seem to many to be good beers in fact are terrible beers. We’ve all heard it before, “No, really…it’s a good beer.” I’m afraid to tell you, it is pork swill, worse, it is putting you in dangers of the eternal fires of hell, which do exist for all beeretics despite whatever Rob Bell and Karl Barth told you.
And thus the Theophiliacs shall not back down from it’s duty to preach the whole gospel. Speaking the truth in love, we will proclaim the pure light of the everlasting word against all foul attempts of the enemy to deceive with pretty labels and fancy sell-words like “European.” We all know he appears as an angel of light.
So consider closely the following beers which often fly under the docetic banner:
PBR – “But Tony, you’re a hipster, aren’t you? Or at least that’s what all your friends tell me. Aren’t they supposed to like PBR?” I don’t know if my skinny pants and ironic smile make me a hipster, but the nostalgic revival of this vile beverage is most unfortunate. Yes, the tall can is romantic and pretty, it makes you think back to a bygone age when you could work a blue-collar job in Milwaukee, come home, sit in a lounger in a sleeveless T-shirt in front of a fan and beat your wife, but despite what people tell you, this beer is a crime against the name, no better than any of it’s other cohorts of lesser repute – I’m looking at you, Miller!
Heineken – It’s hard to know whether to describe the beer or just say that when I was a waiter, the only people I saw drink this were 45 year old slick-haired polo-shirt-wearing business men ‘dating’ 19 girls who drank this between vodka-red bulls to keep the night going. A mass-lager is a mass-lager is a mass-lager, even if it’s from Europe and comes in a fancy green bottle.
Killians Irish Red – Look, I can add red food coloring to urine, chemically modify it to form a thin head when poured, bottle and chill it, but that doesn’t make it good. This sad flavorless ale utilizes it’s bright color to trick people into believing it is better than it is, but drink it alongside a Hamm’s Can and you won’t be able to tell the difference. Especially unfortunate is when anyone in Minnesota drinks this child’s drink, what with Finnegan’s Irish Amber in so many venues. Not only is it delicious, it’s made with real potatoes and all profits go to charity!
Stella Artois – cf. Heineken, only add the travesty that it’s $9 for a six pack and some scorn on the fact that it has social respectability. “Ooohhh, is that Stella Artois? My, aren’t you fancy?” No ma’am, he’s just a benighted fool taken in by the fact that, having drunk it, he’s allowed to say “Artois” 20 times to sound cool.
Blue Moon – Aspiring to be the Budweiser of Wheat Beers since 1995. I mean Coors brews it for god’s sake! It’s one thing to add an orange slice because it’s a beautiful yet unnecessary touch to an already fine beer, it’s another when the citrus only masks the flavor of shame.
Heresy is no laughing matter, and docetism has struck most of us at various points. Often we don’t know better. But beware! You must hold the catholic faith to be saved, and now you have been warned. Turn away from these beers and return to the true doctrine.